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Know any good jokes?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Halfhidden, May 1, 2010.

  1. Mich10766

    Mich10766 senior Member

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    What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? a rottweiller
     
  2. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Slow day in St Ives.

    [​IMG]
     
  3. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    So simple.

    [​IMG]
     
  4. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    The popemobile - Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 3 inches of bulletproof glass.
     
  5. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    Whats the Pope's favourite method of payment on the internet?............Papal....
     
  6. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    Just read them all on this page...::11: ::11: keep up the good work
     
  7. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    The Popemobile, 3" of glass to stop bullets getting in and children getting out!!!!!
     
  8. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    ::11:.... I thought you were done with the pope... rather pokemobile ::11:
     
  9. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    Pokeman. Bet there's loads just waiting to get out. ::11:
     
  10. CHILLYWILLY

    CHILLYWILLY Active Member

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    Puns for Educated Minds


    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.




     
  11. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    ::11: love them all
     
  12. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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  13. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    BBC NEWS -

    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
    The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

    Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
     
  14. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    [FONT=&quot]A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu.

    " I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
    Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there. "

    A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork.
    He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

    The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
    " Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. "

    "Unbelievable! " In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.
    A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu.

    " Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man. "
    " I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.
    " The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

    After another deep breath, the blind man says, " That smells great,
    I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
    "In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

    The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
    He tells his wife, " Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.
    Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork..
    As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready.
    " Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you. "
    The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
    " Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here ? " ::11:
    [/FONT]
     
  15. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated
    four storey house that had been divided into four flats..

    A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats
    lived on the ground floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

    A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived
    on the first floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

    Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
    living off the state for free occupied the second floor and they too, died.

    And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
    They miraculously survived the fire.

    The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights
    activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all
    furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just
    the British white couple saved?

    It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -

    questions were raised in the House of Commons,

    the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.


    Boris Johnson - Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had
    completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial
    assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

    The snarling Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

    A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with
    the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.

    They made sure that a mass of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.


    On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

    The chief fire officer quietly replied:-

    "They were at work."
     
  16. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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  17. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
    > soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't at all ready, with only a few
    > shelves set up and no stock.
    >
    >One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some nosey old senior is going
    >to walk by, put his face to the window, and come in and ask what we're selling."
    >
    > No sooner were the words out of his mouth, when, sure enough, a
    > curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and walked in and in a soft voice
    > asked, "What are you guys sellin' here?"
    >
    > One of the men then replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
    >
    > Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing pretty well then...
    > only got two left."
     
  18. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
    needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
    gas with the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
    and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.::11:
     
  19. treeve

    treeve Major Contributor

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    really enjoyed chillywilly post Nr 70
     
  20. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Bernard Mathews passed away yesterday.

    Bernard Matthews funeral will be held next wednesday at norfolk crematorium, gas mark 6 for 3 hours!
     

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