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Know any good jokes?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Halfhidden, May 1, 2010.

  1. Jimjam

    Jimjam

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    Ticky paper!
     
  2. matt

    matt

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    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer:Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
    yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

    ===============
    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the
    left of the screen.
    Customer:Your left or my left?

    ===============
    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer:Hello... I can't print.

    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
    me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!

    ===============
    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
    try,
    it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
    it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
    it...
    ===============
    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

    No, I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

    Customer: OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

    Customer: Yes

    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
    in. Is there another keyboard?

    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
    does work...

    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
    letter V as
    in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

    == =============

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ============

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
    saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
    it disappears.
    ===============


    How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support:OK, and what seems to be the problem?

    Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle
    around it?
    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
    printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
    a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
    window, and his printer is working fine."

    ===============
    And last but not least...

    Tech support:"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
    same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
     
  3. pendarves

    pendarves

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    An old man walks into an Ice Cream Parlour and with great difficulty and in obvious pain climbs up onto a stool at the counter. He then orders an Banana Split Sundae.
    The waitress asked: 'Crushed Nuts?'
    'No' he replied 'Arthritis'
     
  4. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    A six year old girl is sitting at the back of her class during an English lesson, when the teacher notices that the girl isn't listening and is drawing something in her book.
    The teacher approaches her and asks "What are you drawing child"
    The girl replies "A picture of God Miss"
    After a short laugh the teacher says " But nobody knows what God looks like"
    The girl replies "They will when I've finished this"
     
  5. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Life in the Australian Army...

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small
    town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p#ss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

    Sometimes ya
    gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
    Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

    Your loving daughter,

    Sheila
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2010
  6. pendarves

    pendarves

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    Two choir boys were caught playing noughts and crosses during the vicar's sermon. After the service they were taken to the vicar's office so he could have a word with them. The first one was taken in and the vicar said "Well what have you got to say for yourself?" The boy looked down very sheepishly and said: "Nothing sir." The vicar then said "Do you know where God is?" "No" said the boy. "Well go away and think about it and come back when you have an answer." said the vicar. The boy left the office and said to his friend: "We're in trouble now, God has gone missing and they think we had something to do with it!"
     
  7. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    A priest opens a tub of salted margarine ready for when his toast was done. As he takes the toast from the grill and picks up the knife he notices that an image of Jesus Christ was carved in the margarine.... He couldn't believe what he saw so he ran next door to his Indian friend to show him the tub. Raj took one look at it and said..... I can't believe it's not Buddha!
     
  8. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    Wife asks hubby "what turns you on the most my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and says " your sense of humor!!!!!!!!!!"
     
  9. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

    "And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!



    CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE
    1930's1940's, 50's, 60's and even early
    70's

    First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

    Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


    We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


    Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


    Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


    We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gob stoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

    We ate biscuits, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

    WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.


    No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,

    No video/ DVD films,
    No mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

    We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.


    Only girls had pierced ears!

    We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

    You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....


    We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
    >
    We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


    Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
    RUGBY and FOOTBALL had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
    MERIT
    Our teachers used to hit us with belts and gym shoes.

    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

    They actually sided with the law!


    Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

    DEAL WITH IT ALL !
    And YOU are one of them!
    CONGRATULATIONS!

    You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

    And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
    PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age







     
  10. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

    The Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber, carpenter etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him

    'Tim what does your father do for a job'

    "My dad dances in a gay club and takes off his clothes for the men.

    If they pay him enough, he will go out with one of the men, rent a hotel room and sleep with him for the night."

    The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask him if that story was true.

    'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say."
     
  11. Robinio

    Robinio

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    12 things my mother taught me:

    1 - APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside; I've only just finished cleaning."
    2 - TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
    3 - LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why!"
    4 - FORESIGHT: "Make sure you've got clean underwear on in case you're in an accident."
    5 - OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."
    6 - CONTORTION: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck."
    7 - STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
    8 - TERRORISM: "Your room looks like a bomb's hit it."
    9 - SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, THEN would you listen?"
    10 - OXYMORONS: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times; don't exaggerate."
    11 - IMPROVEMENT BY EXAMPLE: "Stop acting like your father."
    12 - ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have parents as good as yours!"
     
  12. pendarves

    pendarves

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    HOW TO START A FIGHT
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....
    ________________________________
    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....
    ________________________________
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    _______________________________


    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...
    ________________________________




    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......
    _______________________________
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........
     
  13. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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  14. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    A tourist boat arrived in a small fishing village
    A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took to catch them."Not very long" they answered
    "Why didnt you stay out longer and catch more" asked the tourist
    The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
    "But what do you do with the rest of your time"asked the tourist
    "We sleep late ,fish a little ,play with our children, and take a siesta with our wives.In the evenings we go into the village to see our friends ,have a few drinks,play the guitar,sing a few songs.We have a full life"
    The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
    "And after that?"
    "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave thislittle village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
    "How long would that take?"
    "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

    "And after that?"

    "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
    "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

    "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

    "With all due respect Sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point of wasting twenty-five years?" asked the fishermen

    And the moral of this story is:

    Know where you're going in life . . . you may already be there!
     
  15. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    I like that very funny indeed ::11:
     
  16. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Funny domain names



    There are many legitimate sites that, on first reading, appear to be using rude domain names. Often it is not until you take a second look that you realise that they can also be innocent. This is the list of the top 10.

    1. Whorepresents

    A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com.

    2. Expertsexchange

    Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

    3. Penisland

    Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

    4. Therapistfinder

    Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com.

    5. Powergenitalia

    Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com.

    6. Molestationnursery

    And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com.

    7. Ipanywhere

    If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com.

    8. cummingfirst

    Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com.

    9. speedofart

    Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com.

    10. gotahoe

    Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com.
     
  17. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    ONE WISH

    A man was riding his Harley along a
    California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a
    booming voice, the Lord said,
    'Because you have tried to be
    faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
    wish..'


    The biker pulled over and
    said,
    'Build a bridge to Hawaii
    so I can ride over anytime I
    want.'

    The Lord said,

    'Your request is materialistic.
    Think of the enormous challenges for that
    kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the
    concrete and steel it would take!
    It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
    your desire for worldly things
    Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

    The biker thought about it for a long time.

    Finally, he said,
    'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.

    We want to know how they feel inside?


    What they are thinking when they give us the silent treatment?

    Why they cry?

    What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'?

    Why they snap and complain when we try to help?

    and how we can make a woman truly happy?'


    The Lord
    replied,

    'how many lanes do you want on that
    bridge 2 or 4 ?'
     
  18. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    I've heard one like this before... very funny indeed :)
     
  19. Poppy67

    Poppy67 Senior member

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    Thanks for the jokes,some of them gave me a good laugh. I like the pic by 46traveller too.
     
  20. Mich10766

    Mich10766 senior Member

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    How do you make a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave and wait till it's bill withers ::11:
     

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