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Know any good jokes?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Halfhidden, May 1, 2010.

  1. missp

    missp Senior Member

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    Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him and says 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?’. Paddy said 'if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them'. Murphy says 'Four'.
     
  2. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Walking along on my way to the shops yesterday, about twenty yards in front of me was a guy walking his dog.
    By the way the dog was pulling on its lead and sniffing at the wall, it was pretty obvious that it needed to pee.
    I watched in amazement as the dog stood on its hind legs, placed its two front paws firmly on the wall, and began its task.
    As i caught up with the chap I had to ask, "That was amazing mate, never seen a dog do that before. How long has he been doing it?"

    "Since the other wall fell on him", was his reply...........
     
  3. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    A priest goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs Martin, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."
     
  4. triton

    triton

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    Paddy met his mate mick in the pub,black tie on,you been to a funeral mick?Yes said mick,young dannys.he was only 20,how did he die?He had his finger ran over by a bus.My god says danny,and that killed him?Yes says mick,but he was picking his nose at the time.
     
  5. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    An Englishman, a Frenchman and a beautiful Italian girl are sitting together in a train travelling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark.

    There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the Italian girl and the Englishman are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman is holding his slapped face.

    The Frenchman is thinking, "That Englishman must have kissed the Italian girl and she thought it was me, slapping me instead."

    The Italian girl is thinking, "That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Englishman, and got slapped for it."

    And the Englishman is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again."
     
  6. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
     
  7. missp

    missp Senior Member

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    Whats the difference between sprouts and a bogie? Ans, you cant get kids to eat sprouts.
     
  8. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some ‘rectum deodorant.’ The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any, we don‘t stock anything like that." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
    "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
     
  9. emmet

    emmet

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    A Gordie bloke walks into the doctors and says in a Geordie accent"Doctor,underneath me arms smells like coconut!"The Geordie doctor then replies,again in a Geordie accent"Oh it's bounty!"(bound to)::11:
     
  10. emmet

    emmet

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    Paddy and Murphy in a sawmill when Paddy screams"Murphy I've just cut one of me fingers off!""How did you do that?"asksMurphy"Well I just put my hand over the blade like this,and oh s##t there goes another one!"::11:
     
  11. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    The Irish "Sky Box" records programs you don't want to see, and plays them while you're out.
     
  12. emmet

    emmet

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    An englishman,an irishman and a scotsman,are running away from the police.They run into a yard and each hide in some empty potato sacks.The police arive at the yard and kick the first bag.The englishman goes"woof!"and the policeman says"It's only a dog" he then kicks the second bag and the scotsman goes "meow" "and there's only a cat in this one!"he moves along to the third bag and gives it a kick"POTATOES"says paddy.::11:
     
  13. emmet

    emmet

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    Don't miss it Friday the 18th of June!A war of two nations!England and Algeria.One of them a fanatical Muslim country,where bombers and terrorists are trained.Where tough Sharia Law is being implemented and White Christians are outcasts and living in fear!The other is Algeria::11:
     
  14. emmet

    emmet

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    What i would do if my Ex is limping around and bleeding in my back yard???
    Take a deep breath, focus, reload, and shoot again!::11:
     
  15. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    The Diet That Works.

    A large American woman went to her doctors and asked his opinion on the easiest and best diet. The doctor took her height, weight and statistics, and sat down behind his desk in front of his computer. After a few minutes he looked up and said,

    "Ah, there it is. Now can you shake your head from side to side?"

    "Yes Doctor I can, but how often must I do it?"

    "Every time someone offers you food" He replied.
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2010
  16. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on it to support the england team
    its called the laughing stock
     
  17. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    The england squad visited an african orphanage this morning
    "Its good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope,constantly struggling and facing the impossible"...said jamai umboto aged 6.
     
  18. emmet

    emmet

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    The three lions motif is being changed to three tampons.Representetives say it's to signify their worst period in history!
     
  19. Jimjam

    Jimjam

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    Met me mate driving some cattle to Cootamoondra the other day. What route are you takin' ? I asked. Probably the misses he answered. She stuck with me through the drought for six months...................
     
  20. Jimjam

    Jimjam

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    What ticks on the wall?
     

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