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Know any good jokes?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Halfhidden, May 1, 2010.

  1. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    A Dyslexic bloke asked me,..............What do you do for a living?

    I said,..............I'm a Comedian

    He Said..........................Go on then, change colour!
     
  2. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Dogs Do Remember

    Looks like this dog remembers losing something last time they visited the vets..................

    [​IMG]
     
  3. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    I used to go into town every day, and every day, there was a blind man selling matches on the corner of the street, every single day for a year, I said good morning and put 50p in his tin and never once took any matches.
    Then i went working away for a year, after a year i went into town, and there was the same blind man on the corner still selling matches, I said good morning and threw 50p in his tin, and before i could walk away, he grabbed my arm, and said, are you the man who gave me 50p every day for a year and never took any matches, I said yes it was me, He said, they've gone up now mate, they're 75p!!
     
  4. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    Judge....We'll have to adjourn for today, I appear to have forgotten my case file.

    Clerk.....Fax it up M'lud

    Judge..... Yes it does rather!
     
  5. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    Doctor to patient...............You have Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes, more commonly known as GASH.

    Patient..................How do you treat it?

    Doctor...............We'll lock you in a room and feed you on pizza

    Patient.....Will pizza cure it?

    Doctor.............No, but it's the only thing we can get under the door!!
     
  6. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Life As We Know It...............

    Life!

    On
    the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door
    of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this,
    I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
    and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    So God saw it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
    tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
    time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again saw it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
    give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other
    forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
    twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty,
    okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Now that Life has now been explained to you. There's no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a
    public service. If you are looking for me, I'll be on the front
    porch............
     
  7. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
    Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
    We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
     
  8. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Health And Safety Over The Festive Season


    All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

    Following last year's well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

    While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and the Bribery Act and therefore all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

    Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
     
  9. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    Bloke comes to my door the other day, he said, 'I'm from Everest'

    I said, 'The Undertakers?'

    He Said, 'No the double glazing firm'

    I said, 'I've already got it'

    He said, 'I know, that's what i've come to talk to you about, you've had it 4 years and not paid anything yet!!'

    I said, 'You told me it would pay for itself within the first 12 months!!!
     
  10. Wren

    Wren All-powerful

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    Some hilarious jokes on here lol

    Here is one of mine---hope it`s not an old one!

    Government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:
    Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag
    Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
    24 hours supply of food and drink

    De-Icer
    5Kgs of Rock Salt
    Torch or lantern with spare batteries
    Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
    Tow rope
    5 gallon petrol Jerry can
    First Aid Kit
    Jump Leads

    I looked a complete pratt on the bus this morning !!!!!!
    [​IMG]
     
  11. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    Ha ha nice one Wren :D
     
  12. sparky

    sparky Authoritarian Staff Member Administrator

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    yes, that made me giggle! x
     
  13. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Genealogy At It's Best

    WHO IS JACK SCHITT

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
    We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now, respond in an intellectual way.
    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had the one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
    Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
    [FONT='times new roman', 'new york', times, serif]
    [/FONT]
     
  14. sparky

    sparky Authoritarian Staff Member Administrator

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    well! I read, and I was thinking what am I reading? but couldnt help to chuckle most of the way through it!! Thanks for this ::11: x
     
  15. Wren

    Wren All-powerful

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    Another blonde joke!!

    A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

    The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

    After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"











     
    Last edited: May 4, 2012
  16. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    Two blokes having a discussion on pronunciation of the American state,

    Bloke 1- It's pronounced HAWAII

    Bloke 2 - No you're wrong it's pronounced HAVAII

    Bloke 1 - HAWAII

    Bloke 2 - HAVAII

    Just then a stranger walks past, and bloke 2 says, excuse me, but could you settle an argument

    Is it pronounced HAWAII or is it pronounced HAVAII,

    The stranger says.......HAVAII

    Bloke 2 says - Thankyou

    The stranger says - You're Velcome!! ::6:
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2012
  17. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Health And Safety (How It All Started)

    Paradise Totally Policed and Totally Preserved?

    With thanks to Jules Carey

    “The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

    Naturally the LORD at once became aware of the health and safety hazard he had just created in a public space – and so the LORD made a high visibility yellow sign saying “Beware – danger of death”. The LORD put it next to the tree – and saw that it was good.

    The LORD also immediately perceived that he was himself now guilty of introducing ‘criminal eliciting stimuli’ into the garden; so forthwith he introduced ‘defensible space architecture’ around the tree including an alarm, a high fence with anti-climb paint, CCTV and ten new people – he called them security officers.

    The LORD surveyed all that his hands had wrought and perceived that the threat level remained severe – The LORD therefore ‘kettled’ the snake, interned the man and put the woman on a control order with a curfew and a tag.

    And so it was – that paradise was preserved”.
     
  18. ChrisTru

    ChrisTru All-powerful

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    Two dumb guys decide to buy a horse each, and keep them in the same field,

    Dumb Guy 1 said, hang on, how are we going to tell them apart?

    Dumb Guy 2 says, one of us cut the mane off then we'll know the difference!

    They meet at the field the next day, and both had cut off the mane without the other knowing.

    Dumb Guy 1 said, what are we going to do now?

    Dumb Guy 2 Says, one of us cut the tail off, then we'll be able to tell the difference!

    They meet at the field the next day, and both had cut of the tail without the other knowing!

    Dumb Guy 1 Says what are we going to do now?

    Dumb Guy 2 Says, I know, you have the black one and i'll have the white one!!!!!!
     
  19. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    My Chinese Doctor Has All The Right Answers

    Here are the answers we have been looking for

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life,Is this true?

    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.Want to live longer? Take nap.



    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

    Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    REMEMBER:

    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


    IN SUMMARY:

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians.

    CONCLUSION:

    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2012
  20. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    At Long Last, The Council Make A Decision

    COUNCIL GIVES FINAL DECISION.


    Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

    Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

    The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

    So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

    "Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

    Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

    Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

    Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !

    So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

    "Nuts and Butts".....no way.

    "Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

    "Loons and Moons".....forget it.

    Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:


    "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
     

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