Know any good jokes?

[Halfhidden]

If you know any good jokes that could be shared here's the place to post them.
Remember that this is family site so keep them clean!

Here's one to get you going:
A London lawyer and a Cornishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Newquay.
The lawyer is thinking that Cornishmen are all rustic simpletons and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Cornishman would like to play a fun game.
The Cornishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me£5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Cornishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'
The Cornishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Cornishman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And with that, he closes his eyes and tries to take a nap again.
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Cornishman and hands him £500. The Cornishman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Cornish man up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Cornishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Cornishmen; we only talk different

 

[BayOfPlenty]

I know a large number of jokes, not one of which I could openly post on here

 

[treeve]

There was a not very PC joke told in Sweden back in the 80s, it could be told about many geographical divides. There was the tale that the islanders of Aa (off the coast of Sweden) who emigrated to Finland; overnight the average IQ of Sweden and Finland was doubled.

 

[sparky]

@BOP....so could HH & I....

 

[symons55]

English family driving thro Dublin are lost. They stop Paddy and ask the quickest way to the City centre? Paddys "are yer walkin or drivin?" the englishman says "driving" Paddy says "yep that's the quickest way"

 

[Halfhidden]

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

 

[symons55]

Two Irishmen saw a sign "Tree fellers wanted" 1st Irishman sad "if Pat was with us we'd have got that job!"

 

[symons55]

A koala bear..............can't tell that one. ummmmmmm
Iwas at a party last night......Can't tell that one. ummmmm
Just put my St.Georges flag out......can't tell that one. ummmmmm
I was so happy to find........can't tell that one. ummmmmm
The 3 main elements.......can't tell that one. ummmmmmmm
I've just found out that......can't tell that one.ummmmmmm
After having a nice.......def can't tell that one. ummmmm

Questions please............ I can't find one to put up here sad innit

 

[Halfhidden]

Looking back on my career, I swear that I'm jinxed. Every institution, every business I've worked for has folded. The school I went to burned down shortly after I left- the first company I worked for collapsed and went bankrupt- the University I studied at was charged with massive corruption and gross professional misconduct- the school I taught at was shut down. I ran my own business- an old, historical pub which closed down and was demolished shortly after. I might have a subconscious instinct to "board a sinking ship." Anyway, enough of that, My name is Gordon Brown,Labour Party - I hope that I can count on your vote in the next election.
Eh! well not after today I guess.

 

[symons55]

I got eczema, gonorrhoea & haemorrhoids last week.....first time i've ever won a game of Scrabble

 

[sparky]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good!
Got any grapes?"

 

[CHILLYWILLY]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus has done any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

 

[Halfhidden]

Considering the political climate after the prime minister resigned and David Cameron became prime minister it begs the question....[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything but I guess you can't complain about the state of the air when there is nothing else to breath!
[/FONT]

 

[Halfhidden]

I thought I would place some of my Facebook "on your mind" here if they are funny enough.
So here goes:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my granddad...not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car!

Steff Barnes wonders if Teflon is non stick, how does it stick to the pan?

 

[treeve]

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx

 

[tabtab13]

The 3 Bears come home from a walk in the woods. When they go in the kitchen, Father Bear says "Mmmm - someone's been eating my porridge." Mother Bear says "Look! Someone's been eating my porridge too!" And Baby Bear says "Someone's eaten ALL my porridge!" and bursts into tears.

They then go to sit down and Father Bear says "Someone's been sitting in my chair!" Mother Bear says "Someone's been sitting in my chair too!" And Baby Bear says "Someone's been sitting in my chair - and they've broken it!" And bursts into tears again.

End of the day comes and they all go off to bed. "Someone's been in my bed" says Father Bear. "Someone has been in my bed as well!" says Mother Bear.

And Baby Bear says ................ "Goodnight!!"

 

[46traveller]

Dog Food Diet



Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

 

[46traveller]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands . Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a man wearing an armani suit, Ray Bans and a rolex watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'. The man connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
He studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in the boot of his Porsche.
As he is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?"
The man thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says "You are a Senior Manager."
"Correct," responds the man, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now can I have my dog back

 

[46traveller]

Doctors Visit

I bumped into my friend Dave today, he was sitting on a park bench crying.
I naturally asked him what the matter was, and sought to console him.
He explained that he'd just come from his Doctors, who had told him he would have to take a certain pill every day for the rest of his life.
Of course I explained that lots of people with all different complaints have to do the same, and that it didn't mean anything was serious, one pill per day for life isn't so bad.
At this explanation he cried even louder, before he stuttered, "But he's only given me four".

 

[Halfhidden]

Classic!