The Pit Stop

[treeve]

Anyone that takes another human being into their lives has to face the fact that it either lasts or it does not. It either runs smoothly or it does not. A marriage (or partnership) finally ends in one or other partner being left alone, with the devastation and emptiness, trying to find a levelground and to have the confidence to place one's feet on that ground, finding some kind of balance. With the mix of human nature, of irrational relationship demands (often driven by media hype), of perceived imperfections (also often driven media hype) and the finality of the end of our season on Earth, as Cher puts it, 'In the end we all sleep alone.'

From one who is there, just crawling out of The Pit, something that is very clear to me is that there is nothing to comfort or sort out the tangled threads. Oh yes, counselling and all that, officers in bereavement, and all that .... I quote 'Anytime you have a problem, give us a call, here is my telephone number' . That is the most impersonal offer, the limp handshake. One of the last things in the mind, when in difficulties of any kind, is to phone a stranger and discuss what is going on. Like picking up a book and dipping in to read a chapter in isolation in the middle of the book, taken at random. I can remember a time when something drastic happened, when people called at the house and, no excuses, they walked in, sat down and talked. To make matters worse, staff now take courses in 'bereavement' - what will they know of the situation except in clinical terms? There is nothing that can possibly describe the innermost feelings of that person. I am not making this statement as a personal bleat. It is the same for those whose relationship is breaking or has broken. It is all glib and trite extracts from the counsellor's guide to relationship. When it comes right down to it, unless a person has a mother to support them, or a close friend, life with the relatioship in tatters or ended totally sucks and the future seems non-existent and only accessible through an impenetrable wall of concrete and barbed wire.

It is hard enough losing a partner through the natural process of death, but when a partner has left through choice, that leaves the one behind with the immense sense of rejection, with no confidence at all in the self.

One of the big problems is that Society does rather frown on deep or emotional subjects in conversation, believing it is soppy or even worse, a bloke should not cry, carry on, time will heal and all the other well meant but frankly useless platitudes. Embarrassment, bravado, and the constant lie ... 'I'm OK', when he/she is screaming with pain, anger and all the other tirade of emotions that beset the soul. To 'Move On' requires more than encouragement. It requires personal dedication, courage beyond personal power and it requires 'tools' and 'weapons' of personal conviction, the ability to be aware and learn from experience and to seize what opportunity is found.

It is my belief that people tend not to talk enough about things that matter.

What do you think?

 

[symons55]

I agree with you. I may not have lost a partner thro berevement, but I have been rejected after 21yrs, as you say a loss is a loss and can be difficult to deal with. All I can say is that I'm lucky in relation to wealth, not money, but I'm a millionair with friends who helped me thro the difficult times.

 

[treeve]

Thank you - your honesty in acceptance does you proud; one big problem with that bitter rejection is guilt, common feeling is that it is 'my fault', actually it does not always have to be about fault, in either direction, but down in That Pit is the pathway. We follow the 'expected path', only down the line, foibles turn up, expectations do not always make good companions. Either way, the burden is immense, and most people cannot carry that sack on their own. Yes, money and comfort are handy, but it is empty nevertheless, being unable to share it and work to a common goal. I think that one of the biggest walls is Trust, trust in others and trust in oneself. To get to that point requires courage and hard work.

 

[symons55]

I agree again. I did find that in my case I tried to be positive, someone once said to me 'no regrets' one cannot change what has happened, you can only influence what may happen. To that end I moved on, not saying that at times I don't get 'down' I do, It's only human nature, it's the way you deal with it that counts. For me I think of the good times along with the bad and what they gave me. I'm a richer person for it. One cannot go back, and for me there are less years ahead than behind, so, get on with it I say.

 

[bear]

Loss

Hi Treeve.
Before I try to offer my advice online I think I should fill you in on my background a little. 1968 I lost my first love to a motor accident. I didn't want to go on living. Family and friends tried to help, but face it .....it was my problem. I bimbled throught the next few years, and eventually I met another girl, and we were happy. Then she had a fit and was hospitalized, and died at Treliske in 1975. The same week my grandmother (who I loved very much ) died. I went to two funerals in two days, and one was on my birthday. To say I contemplated suicide would be an understatement, but I went on. I met another girl in 1978, we married in 1979, we divorced in 1980, and I went to live in Manchester, in the hope that I could break the chain. I blamed myself for everything, and I went from 18stone to 14stone in 2 months. When I came home I went to my local and nobody recognised me. Then I met another lady, and soon after this my father died. Strangely I did not feel a lot of pain there, probably as my brain was running in neutral from what had happened before. I still feel bad about not showing much emotion to my fathers death. I married the lady I just mentioned, and within 1 month she was taken ill, and I spent 12 weeks living rough in London whilst she had life saving surgery. I though "here we go again". However the surgery saved her life, and although she went down to just over 4 stone she recovered, and we now have been married for 22 years.
Now having said that, you say you are fed up with platidudes, and I don't blame you for that because I've heard them all. "Plenty more fish in the sea", "time is a great healer" etc. I think the best one I heard was "time will not heal, but it will dull the memory a little", I think this on is true.
Now I come on to how do you or I deal with loss? This is an impossible question to answer. My take is that every indivdual has his or her own approach to it. Some prefer to left alone in grief and find solice in solitude, whilst others need back up from friends at all times. I would add that even the solitary types need friends, although they may not call upon them it is good to have a safetynet when required, and if you go to somebody like this you shouldn't be surprised if they don't want to talk, but if they do want to talk, then your place is to listen. Sometimes it's hard to listen, but believe me it is (for the bereaved) much, much, much harder to talk.

 

[treeve]

What a terrible series of 'events' you have had 'thrown at you'. But one thing shines out. That is that you have an immense amount of love to give, both to others and to yourself. I was lucky in that I had 40 years of marriage and she did not choose to leave. I was lucky in other respects which I will not dwell on here, but in comparison to your loss, I have been blessed. Your story is an encouragement to others.
I empathise with you on your suicide thoughts, I have been there.
I must stress here that it has taken me nearly four years, and that I have all but worked my way out of it. I thought to start this thread more for others to express their own loss, to put it all into 'perspective' as one thing that helped my through the mire was meeting others who had lost and helping them, listening to their grief and loss. They helped more than any trained counseller.
Thank you, and I sincerly wish you a good life.

 

[tabtab13]

Life is a day to day struggle, something we tend to overlook in our modern comfort zone. Most of us happily coast along being content when things are good - until something drastic happens. The death of a partner, friend or relation - or even a pet - turns everything upside down.

I've had a few major upsets in my life and each one has followed a similar pattern. I've found myself in what I can only describe as a parallel universe. Everything seems on the surface to be the same as normal, but at the same time not quite right. Everyone else is going about their normal business, as they did the day before and no doubt the day after, but for you, there has been a big change, a loss. You are suddenly 'out side'. Your future will never be the same, where once you had a companion by your side through life's journey, you now find your alone.

I have been fortunate in not having that 'parallel universe' experience for a quite a while now, but having had it in the past, I'd be lying if I didn't fear going through it again. But no doubt I will at some point.

Falling asleep is a worry, because you know that when you wake up, for a few seconds everything feels back to normal and you're back in the 'real' world. And then it hits you. You remember. And all the despair comes flooding back with a grim intensity.

I have been lucky in the respect of basically being bought up by my mother. Not keeping a stiff upper lip when times were bad was not frowned upon, there was no 'be a man - only women and wimps cry'. So I feel quite in touch with my emotions, I have no shame in having cried in public. And I think bottling things up inside does you no good in the long run. Get it out - release it - it is all part of the healing process.

Does Time heal? To a degree I guess, but grief is like a broken bone - it may have healed ok and everything seems ok, but then every now and again it aches.

As I said, life is a struggle and you don't realise how much of a struggle until you lose someone dear to you, whether from death or a parting of the waves. My personal advice to anyone is to dig deep into your inner strengths and if you have someone who knows you really well, who knows the real you, talk to them. A good friend will be patient, will be understanding and will want to help. Someone who tells you to 'pull yourself together' or 'it could be worse' might mean well, but it's not a help and somewhat insensitive.