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Know any good jokes?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Halfhidden, May 1, 2010.

  1. CHILLYWILLY

    CHILLYWILLY Active Member

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    Maths

    @46t. ::15:Although this made me chuckle the sad fact is that there is a lot of truth in this tale.::14:
     
  2. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Lady's dishwasher breaks down, so she calls a repairman...she has to go out so she tells him..


    "Don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but what ever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

    The man starts work,wary of the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work.

    The parrot however drives him nuts, yelling & cursing...
    Finally, the man snaps & yells,

    " Shut the hell up ya annoying bas***d!"

    Parrot replies,

    " GET HIM SPIKE!!"
     
  3. CHILLYWILLY

    CHILLYWILLY Active Member

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    THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
    A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
     
  4. CHILLYWILLY

    CHILLYWILLY Active Member

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    One afternoon a census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
    Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.
    "Eighteen," The lady replied.
    "Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist.

    You just don't have time to get dressed!"
     
  5. Halfhidden

    Halfhidden Untouchable Staff Member Administrator

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    ::11: very funny
     
  6. CHILLYWILLY

    CHILLYWILLY Active Member

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    OLD AGE



    Arthur is 90 years old.

    He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
    One day he arrives home looking downcast.

    "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball,

    I can't see where it went."


    His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."


    "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."


    "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."


    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
    He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

    He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"


    "Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."


    "Where did it go?" asks Arthur.


    " I Can't remember."

     
  7. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him
    and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

    At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison.

    Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
    blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

    'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you I asked him what to give you?'

    He said, "....Screw him ........give him a dollar."

    She then blushed and added, '.....But the breakfast was my idea!




     
  8. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The
    little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............



    (scroll down)









    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


    [​IMG]
     
  9. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    The State Of The Nation

    The Squirrel & Grasshopper

    REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer way. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
    The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
    THE END

    THE BRITISH VERSION:
    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
    A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
    The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
    The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
    In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
    He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
    The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

    Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
    The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
    A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.
    The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
    A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 to state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
    The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
    The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
    The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
    THE END
     
  10. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

    Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

    I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it’s me talking to the beer.

    Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
     
  11. sparky

    sparky Authoritarian Staff Member Administrator

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    very good 46Traveller! I loved the 1st one!::11:::11:
     
  12. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


    Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2,000. Tux rental-£100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest
    act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades Y ou only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier.
     
  13. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
    Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
     
  14. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Drinks With The Boys Warning

    A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

    After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

    The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

    Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
     
  15. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Chuckles

    My wife is a bit of a tree hugger, So she went apeshit when I ran over a frog.

    I said "Well I couldn't avoid him and it's not like they serve any purpose".

    She shouted "He was on a bloody bike and you're supposed to be driving on the right".
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A woman and her kids came wading out the water next to where I was clearing litter on St Ives beach.

    "We love it here!" she said, "You certainly deserve your blue flag for the beach, all these dogs and not one little turd in sight!"

    "Not on my watch love!" I replied, "as soon as I find it, I throw it in the sea."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Forgot to mention my new ansaphone message...




    "I can't take your call right now but if you leave a message, I'm sure the News of the World will forward it to me later."
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2011
  16. CHILLYWILLY

    CHILLYWILLY Active Member

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    three quickies.........

    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"

    Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

    __________
    Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

    Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

    Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
    __________


    Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

    Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

     
  17. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Native Indians Reward Tony Blair

    On a recent trip to US Tony Blair addressed a major gathering of American Indians. He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax. At the conclusion of his speech the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade waving to the crowds.


    A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name for Tony Blair. They explained that a Walking Eagle is the name for a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

     
  18. symons55

    symons55 Moderator Staff Member

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    [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][FONT=arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][FONT=arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][FONT=Bradley Hand ITC][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][U][B] THE BOTTLE OF WINE

    [/B][/U][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][B] For all of us who are married, were married, wish
    you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
    is something to smile about the next time you see a[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][B]bottle of wine:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business
    trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an[/B][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]e[/color][/size][/color][/size][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][B]lderly
    Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
    the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/B][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][B]a ride.

    With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
    a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
    woman just sat silently, looking intently at
    everything she saw, studying every little detail,
    [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]until[/b][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][B] she noticed a brown bag on the seat next [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to Sally[/b][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=5][COLOR=#8000ff][B].

    'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
    a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
    two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
    she said:

    'Good trade....'[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][/COLOR][/SIZE][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][/COLOR][/SIZE][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size][/COLOR]
    [SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][/COLOR][/SIZE][/color][/size][/color][/size][/color][/size]
    [COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/color][/size][/color]
    [SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE]
    [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
     
  19. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    "When did you first realise that you suffered from dyslexia?"

    said Dave to his friend Chris,

    Chris replied,

    " It was the night that I turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat"
     
  20. 46traveller

    46traveller Member

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    Terrorism alert levels around the world - update

    "The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British Army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has also increased their alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey', I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."
     

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