Know any good jokes?

[symons55]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door.





The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in



the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"





"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[symons55]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
Particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
Guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
Inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
With him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
Firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
Year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so
Sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Well why not?

 

[symons55]

Since it's started snowing all my missus has done is look thro the bloody window, if it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.................

 

[46traveller]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

 

[46traveller]

Biscuit trouble

WARNING!
there's been a fight in the biscuit tin.
A lad called Rocky, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club,
tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.
Police say Rocky was last seen just after Eight in maryland with a ginger nut as a accomplice only known to the police as Rich t.
They didn't leave a crumb of evidence,
so the jammie Dodger might get away with it!

 

[46traveller]

Thousands gather to protest about Global Warming

 

[46traveller]

Bear Removal

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers". He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.


"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[46traveller]

Ancient History

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Australians, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a
story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists,
finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, the London Times, England,
reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Norfolk,
Gary, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found f---- all. Gary has therefore concluded that 250
years ago, England had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be English !

 

[46traveller]

When Grandma Goes To Court

When Grandma Goes To Court


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[46traveller]

Looking online and found this Cornish to English translations of phrases and sayings. Makes things so much easier for up country folk coming on holiday.

Dictionary of Cornish Words and Phrases

 

[Halfhidden]

[FONT=&quot]An old prospector named Ralph, shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
Old Ralph headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gun slinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The young gun slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Ralph looked up at the gun slinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to.."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A crowd had gathered as the gun slinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The old prospector Ralph- not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When his last bullet had been fired, the young gun slinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Old Ralph turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The young gun slinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in Old Ralph's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The gun slinger swallowed hard and[/FONT][FONT=&quot] said[/FONT][FONT=&quot], "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]There are a few lessons for us all here:
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Never be arrogant.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Don't waste ammunition.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.[/FONT]

 

[symons55]

very true

 

[46traveller]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

[46traveller]

The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important........ Ladies…..Quit Laughing.

 

[missp]

I cant help itI thought most men kept their brains in their b#**#*#*

 

[46traveller]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,
with trembling hands.



'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you.



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,
but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said
that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.



Love, your son, Joshua.



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home

 

[CHILLYWILLY]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
*
*
*
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

 

[Halfhidden]

Grooooooooan!

 

[msp14]

An elephant walks into a nudist camp and says to the first man he sees"How the hell can you breathe out of that"

 

[46traveller]

Teaching Maths...

• Teaching Maths before 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?


• Teaching Maths in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?


• Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?


• Teaching Maths in 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



• Teaching Maths in 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


• Teaching Maths in 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it might be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling process. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is found to be in breach of Health and Safety legislation, as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is, therefore, considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester, on release, is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?



• Teaching Maths in 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber due to the fact that he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry, because his bank has spent all his - and their - money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in the United States, and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned, they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home, they return with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and, as his name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang-master..

The government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers, as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.


• Teaching Maths in 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟=