Know any good jokes?
- Thread starter Halfhidden
- Start date
46traveller
Member
Walking along on my way to the shops yesterday, about twenty yards in front of me was a guy walking his dog.
By the way the dog was pulling on its lead and sniffing at the wall, it was pretty obvious that it needed to pee.
I watched in amazement as the dog stood on its hind legs, placed its two front paws firmly on the wall, and began its task.
As i caught up with the chap I had to ask, "That was amazing mate, never seen a dog do that before. How long has he been doing it?"
"Since the other wall fell on him", was his reply...........
By the way the dog was pulling on its lead and sniffing at the wall, it was pretty obvious that it needed to pee.
I watched in amazement as the dog stood on its hind legs, placed its two front paws firmly on the wall, and began its task.
As i caught up with the chap I had to ask, "That was amazing mate, never seen a dog do that before. How long has he been doing it?"
"Since the other wall fell on him", was his reply...........
46traveller
Member
A priest goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs Martin, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."
46traveller
Member
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a beautiful Italian girl are sitting together in a train travelling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark.
There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the Italian girl and the Englishman are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman is holding his slapped face.
The Frenchman is thinking, "That Englishman must have kissed the Italian girl and she thought it was me, slapping me instead."
The Italian girl is thinking, "That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Englishman, and got slapped for it."
And the Englishman is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again."
There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the Italian girl and the Englishman are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman is holding his slapped face.
The Frenchman is thinking, "That Englishman must have kissed the Italian girl and she thought it was me, slapping me instead."
The Italian girl is thinking, "That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Englishman, and got slapped for it."
And the Englishman is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
46traveller
Member
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some ‘rectum deodorant.’ The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any, we don‘t stock anything like that." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
46traveller
Member
The Irish "Sky Box" records programs you don't want to see, and plays them while you're out.
An englishman,an irishman and a scotsman,are running away from the police.They run into a yard and each hide in some empty potato sacks.The police arive at the yard and kick the first bag.The englishman goes"woof!"and the policeman says"It's only a dog" he then kicks the second bag and the scotsman goes "meow" "and there's only a cat in this one!"he moves along to the third bag and gives it a kick"POTATOES"says paddy.
46traveller
Member
The Diet That Works.
A large American woman went to her doctors and asked his opinion on the easiest and best diet. The doctor took her height, weight and statistics, and sat down behind his desk in front of his computer. After a few minutes he looked up and said,
"Ah, there it is. Now can you shake your head from side to side?"
"Yes Doctor I can, but how often must I do it?"
"Every time someone offers you food" He replied.
A large American woman went to her doctors and asked his opinion on the easiest and best diet. The doctor took her height, weight and statistics, and sat down behind his desk in front of his computer. After a few minutes he looked up and said,
"Ah, there it is. Now can you shake your head from side to side?"
"Yes Doctor I can, but how often must I do it?"
"Every time someone offers you food" He replied.
Last edited:
